Love in the Dark, Love in the Light Is it a star in the Night?
by Mrs. Alex Kurosaki
Summary: You have been a valiant soldier, fighting for the Resistance from the moment you could. There, you met a kindred spirit in Poe, and a sweet love blossomed between the two of you. Knowing that that love is what made you strong, Kylo Ren twisted it to make you think you loved him instead. But where does mind control begin and the true feeling end?
1. Chapter 1

When you had first caught sight of the man, you knew he was with the Resistance. You knew by his messy attire and his demeanor during the opening ceremony, and had gone to confront him as he made his way towards an unsuspecting Kylo Ren.

What you didn't expect was his look of recognition, nor his immediate retraction. He quickly made his way away from you, towards an empty hall, and you followed suit, not wanting to let any rebels ruin your beloved fiancé's night.

You thought you had lost him once you were well away from the rest of the party goers here to celebrate the opening of a new Death Star. Despite its name, it would cause a world of good for people without homes or jobs, and looking to be able to work their way up into a structure that aimed to bring order to the chaotic universe. You believed in this, and were quite upset that you lost the one person who seemed to be ready to bring chaos to the very place being opened to end such things, until you felt yourself be pulled into an empty closet.

You were face to face with the dark haired man as he said, "Are you ok? Did they hurt you? Did _he_ hurt you?" His eyebrows raised in worry as his hands began to pat you all over. With limited space, all you could think to do was elbow the man, exclaiming, "How dare you! You don't just grab women like that; especially women you don't know!"

A soft gasp caught in his throat as he pulled away, quietly saying, "(Y.N.), it's me. Poe. You don't… You don't remember me?"

He reached up, gently placing his hands on your shoulders as he tried to get you to remember him, but you shrugged him off, trying to pull away. You could see the pain flash across his face. Oddly, it struck a chord with you. Why did it hurt to see him in pain?

"(Y.N.), please," Poe pleaded, eyes raging with emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, but most notably, hope.

He gingerly reached for your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours. You flinched at first, but did not pull away as a sense of ease came over you. The pressure of his hands against yours felt so familiar, so right. Confusion overtook your features as you tried to process this.

You never felt this at ease when you held hands with Kylo.

Poe's other hand soon cupped your cheek and he leaned his forehead onto yours.

"I know it's in there, (Y.N.). We've gone through too much together for you to forget about us that easily," he whispered with eyes closed. The gentleness in his voice rocked you to the core, and soon you found yourself closing your eyes as well.

Before you knew it, warm lips tenderly pressed against yours, and you pressed yours right back. You each moved in tandem with each other, breathing in sync and moving in a way that felt right.

Memories of kisses just like these came flashing through your mind. Memories of lying out on the bottom of a canyon together and stargazing, of training together early in the morning, and playfully wrestling late at night. Memories of sweet shows of affection, and of Resistance members jokingly making fun of your PDA. They all came back in a flurry so when you finally pulled away, you breathed out, "Poe!"

You wrapped your arms around his neck as you pulled him in for the strongest hug you could muster.

Though you still did have a sense of love for Kylo, you realized those feelings couldn't have been real. He had tricked you with his Jedi influence into believing all those feelings you had for Poe were for him after he had captured you at the last battle on Burnin Konn. You couldn't really love him, could you?

Guilt suddenly came over you as you thought about all the kisses you shared with Kylo, the various dates, the show of romanticism for the public to see. But what really burned your face in shame was the slow, late night romps in bed.

How many times had you initiated them? How often had you teased him mercilessly all day so when you'd finally have a chance, he'd get a chance to release all his frustrations of the day with you.

Yes, you had come to care for him a lot, but you no longer knew what you really felt. Where these all feelings transferred over from your relationship with Poe, or did your relationship with Kylo become something more?

Your legs shook as the weight of what you were feeling began to set in.

"Poe, you have to go before they find you. They'll kill you!" you say as he wraps his arms around your waist, oblivious smile firmly fixed on his face.

He shakes his head as he says, "It's fine. We'll make it out of this together." Sincerity and warmth shone brightly in his eyes, and just like that, you felt another stab at your heart.

"I can't go," you whisper, nuzzling into his neck as you say the words. You can't bear to see his expression as you speak. You think quickly and offer to send information from the inside before he has a chance to argue. You can see him fight with himself, but finally, he gives in.

"You have to keep me updated constantly, ok! And I don't care about what's going on. I care about you. If anyone so much as pulls your hair, I'm coming to get you!" He says.

You smile at him and promise to do so. With a chaste kiss, he pulls away and leaves. You make sure the coast is clear before leaving the closet and finally making your way back to the party. When Kylo spots you, a large grin lights up his face as he begins to walk towards you.

"(Y.N.), where've you been?" he asks as he places a hand on the small of your back and leads you towards a short red-haired man. You open your mouth awkwardly, trying to find words as discomfort settles over you. Everything here is wrong, and blatant lies. Propaganda used to appease the simple masses. You can see the flaws in the logic behind the system now that you remember your life as a Resistance agent, but fight your every instinct telling you to run.

"Uh, well, you know me, love. I have to make sure I look good for my fiancé, don't I?"

He leans down and whispers in your ear, "You always look good. But in that dress… If we weren't at the party right now, I'd much rather it be pooled around your ankles."

A blush burns your cheeks as you swat at his shoulder. "Kylo!" quietly tumbles from your lips. He lets out a boisterous laugh, and you can't help it as your heart swells at the sight.

He wasn't this happy at the start of your "relationship." Was it because of you?

The red haired general makes his way over with a look of annoyance and mumbles, "Please keep the looks of adoration in private. This is a serious event; NOT for two love sick buffoons."

Kylo rolls his eyes at the man. He lets out a haughty sigh, then responds, "I'll give you love sick buffoons." With that, he wrapped his arms around the top of your back and behind your waist and dips you, giving you a fiery kiss.

This is not at all gentle like Poe's kisses, but you find yourself responding instinctively.

As he pulls you back up, your head spinning from not only the sudden movements, you find yourself thinking, _'I'm so fucked.'_


	2. Chapter 2

The party ends well into the night. It is an elegant affair, therefore it ends with the utmost extravagance as well. At precisely 3 in the morning, a clock chimes loudly, vibrating throughout the room. As the final ring fades away, a booming blast that is felt rather than heard is let out. Fireworks. Reds and blues encompass the entirety of what can be seen from the glass ceiling above. All eyes go up, no longer ignoring the inky abyss above as now a beautiful show takes place. Bright whites shoot out in quick successions, but stop as one large orange spreads out, reminiscent to the shots from a blaster and the explosions that follow suit. This continues for some seconds, the guest all around smiling in awe at the pretty lights, but ignoring the imagery they invoke. As the final blast is let out, the sparks fade and all that is left is a round figure which unfurls to reveal the hologram of Supreme Leader Snope.

Bile builds at the back of your throat as you see the image. He smiles graciously, curling his lip up softly, and gives all the party goers his thanks for coming to celebrate the beginning of an era of peace. His arm movements are soft and swift as he speaks, like a conductor leading musicians to a soft diminuendo. Unsurprisingly, everyone quite downs as he does so, paying close attention now to what he has to say.

"For, with this Death Star, we shall finally overcome the chaos of the Universe. We shall squash the rebellion, and help bring the order that the Jedis were never able to accomplish."

You fight back the scoff trying to force its way out at the giant blue figure's words. Your blood boils, and you desperately want to retort that the only reason peace was never able to be achieved was because of the massacres directed by the Sith lords! You take deep breaths, trying to calm yourself, but your eyes still begin to well with tears of anger and disgust. As Snope continues with his speech to let the guests know it's now time to leave, Kylo leans down discreetly and asks what's wrong.

"I-" Your voice breaks, giving you a chance to immerse yourself in your facade once more. "It's just, I'm so happy we're finally going to be able to finish what your grandfather started."

General Leia would be so disgusted with you...

Only the select few that had been chosen to go on a diplomatic mission were told what really happened at the end of her father's life. How her brother went on his own to battle their father, sure that there was still some light in him yet. How they struggled, and Palpatine sought to have Luke relinquish himself to the dark side.

"He almost did too, but he caught himself and refused. Palpatine, however, wouldn't stand for that. So he started killing him..."

Her brother was heroically saved because her father came back to the light, but in the process, her father died redeeming himself. This was something you did not know. You only came to be privy to this knowledge when the negotiations did not fall through since the prospective ally's general did not deem it fit for "a princess, especially the daughter of the very man who put of all in this mess!" to lead the Resistance.

She took his impudent comments in a stride, stopping his soon to be rant before he could get the ball rolling. She replied that she was sorry to hear that they did not want to ally themselves with the Resistance, though she acknowledged their reservations. As her final words on the matter, she respectfully commented, "May you continue to lead with kindness and _wisdom_."

When you were all out of sight and out of earshot, her irritation became palpable, and C3PO worriedly asked, "Are you alright, Princess?"

With the swiftness of a twenty year old, she turned and demanded that he stop calling her that. That was the first time you ever saw her raise her voice out of anger towards someone she cared for. Now, you couldn't help feeling like she would yell at you with the same tone were she here to hear your disgusting words.

But Kylo Ren is not Leia Organa, and he appreciates the comment very much. The short stubble on his chin tickles your bare shoulder when he leans down and kisses the back of your neck. You shiver at the soft contact, but avoid reacting. How should you react? Thinking back on the time you've spent with him, it's almost with a hazy mist that you see the memories. Yes, Kylo is in them, and yes, some are clearer than others. But the reactions you had previously don't come the way they used to.

 _'What did I do before?'_ you ask yourself fiercely.

He straightens up again, and loosely wraps his arm around your waist as everyone begins shuffling out. A waiter passes with one last, fresh flute of champagne, and you readily snatch it up. You take a sip as Kylo chuckles, asking, "Why didn't you tell me you were thirsty? I would have brought you some earlier." You smile at him, not even having to question the reaction as you see the warmth in his eyes.

"I didn't want to bother you," you reply offhandedly. That feels like the right response. It'd be what you would tell Poe if you were in that situation with him. And didn't he trick you into thinking you loved him the way you loved Poe?

You sigh as you lean your head onto his shoulder. Some music continues playing lightly above you, and he takes the opportunity to slowly sway you around. With champagne still in hand, you giggle and let him clasp his own hand around yours. Now that you were aware that he tricked you, this felt so wrong, but still you couldn't help but let the feeling of being loved wash over you as you took in the way his eyes poured over your face. It was as if he was looking at the most magnificent monument ever created. As if he was looking at a breath-taking sunrise. Likewise, now that you were fully aware and in control, you couldn't help but really take in his own beauty for once.

His brown eyes were warm pools of axinite, piercing but not in an invasive way. The small crinkles on the sides of his eyes brought out the warmth that made his smile reach everywhere. His long cheeks were slim, but just perfect for squishing. And that perfect, soft soft pale skin of his illuminated in a beautiful way by the moonlight overhead. As you stared up at him, really looking at him for the first time, you each stopped swaying around. His smile of happiness soon came to take on a shade of confusion. Before he could voice his question, however, you let go of his hands and gently cover his cheeks, cautiously pulling him in for a gentle kiss. It's a soft kiss, one with his tender lips pushing just slightly against yours. And it's slow. You can taste hints of the bitter-sweet chocolate mousse Kylo had earlier, as well as the malty remnants of whiskey. You pull away. One hand slides down from his cheek to his shoulder, while the other instinctively goes over your mouth. You can't help it as your tongue quickly slides over your lips, tasting the flavors from Kylo along with the dried orange juice from the slices you had earlier.

Concern radiates from the dark haired man before you as he asks, "Is everything ok?" You don't normally kiss him like that, but you wanted to know. What is a real kiss between you and Kylo like? Is it like with Poe? Based off of this, it wasn't. In part, it was because you initiated the kiss. But you still gave him time to take over if he wanted to, just like Poe had a tendency to do. But Kylo didn't. He let _you_ explore _him_ , rather than the other way around. He let you take the lead, and let himself be vulnerable to you.

"I-I," you start, stuttering as you try to make sense of the thoughts running through your head. You take a breath, not a full one at that, but as you look around, you reply, "I'm kind of tired. Can we go back to the room?" Kylo nods, stretching out his elbow for you to loop your hand through his. You quickly accept, and then you both make your way through the halls together. You lean your head on his shoulder, your right hand lazily hanging at the side. One finger stays poised against the wall, feeling the texture as you walk. In the back of your brain, you take account of all the ways to get to the central hall, and the schematics of the structure begin to unfold in your head. But at the forefront, you take in the aesthetic beauty of it all. You had never paid attention to the deep maroon walls before. Nor had you ever noticed the gilded leaves along the edges. A cream-rose colored band at the center of every wall, running parallel to the floor separates the maroon on the bottom half from the pale ivory above. As you get further away from the hospitable part of the Death Star, and closer to the lodging for the First Order minions, the colors darken, and soon the walls start to become metallic and displeasing.

Kylo notices the way your hand stayed on the wall, just like the first time he brought you there. And just like when you first arrived, once the walls become cold, shiny, and unwelcoming, you quickly move your hand away as if it were burning right through your flesh. Oh, yes, he knew something was wrong. But you hadn't shied away from his touch thus far, so you must obviously still think of him the way you used to think of Poe. His grip on your hand tightens as the thought washes over him.

One last turn, and you arrive within your shared living space, but his grip has caught your attention. Innocent wide eyes stare up at Kylo's suddenly anxious ones. "Are you tired too?" you ask. Your right hand goes up and rests on his chest, thumb rubbing small arcs on the area over his heart. He shakes his head, a tiny smirk growing on his lips as he uses the force to close the door behind you.

His eyes slowly take on a feral glint as he looks you up and down. This is the first time you really feel the power behind that look, and are more than a little surprised when your thigh begins to quiver in response to the hunger radiating off of him. He hums a low tone, taking a quick swipe of his lips and beginning to undo the knot of his tie.

With a cock of his head, he replies, "Not tired enough to let you forget where that dress is supposed to go..."


	3. Chapter 3

A cold breeze blows across your face as a howl resounds through the quiet valley. The only sounds you can hear are the beating of your heart, and the deep breathes of your dark haired partner besides you. The hard metal of the ship behind you makes sitting out in the desert uncomfortable, but the mission will start soon, and you two can't be late.

Still, you have to wonder, how can Poe sleep? It's hard enough getting comfortable while awake, so to actually get to fall asleep? How?! Maybe you're just acutely aware of all the little things that make this whole experience extremely uncomfortable because of the nerves. This is your first mission with only Poe after all. And it was a mission organized specifically by General Organa. If you fail, it will delay the following missions anywhere from 3 months to even a whole year if it doesn't go through as planned. But you try not to think about this as sleep begs your body to succumb to its call, only causing your arms and legs to begin to feel as if covered by pins and needles.

A pack of anooba travel a few yards away. You stare at them while wiggling your toes to try to stop your foot from losing too much blood flow, and barely notice as a soft mass of curls find their way onto your shoulder. You know that this specific group of anooba only move when the sun is about to rise, which tells you just how much time you have left until the mission will start. You run your left hand gingerly up and down your right arm so as to warm up, but you still keep your eyes trained ahead. Poe inhales and exhales through his nose, which happens to be right over your shoulder. You swallow nervously in response to the goosebumps his breath causes. You can see the first rays of sunlight started to peek through, but before you can say anything, Poe wraps an arm around your seated form. You flinch at the contact, and stay frozen as your mind suddenly goes into overdrive to figure out why he's touching you like this.

"You're cold, aren't you?" Poe asks as he rubs the sleep out of his eyes with his left hand, and turns to look at you. You only look at him from the corner of your eye to observe, and give a hesitant nod when you see that he doesn't seem to be underhanded with his actions.

"Yeah, a little cold," you reply quietly. He sighs once more, barely stifling a yawn, and stretches the left side of his body while still keeping his arm around you. Once you each hear a satisfying crack, he wraps his left arm over you too and snuggles into your now relaxing form. Yes, he's touching you and it's very random, but he means no harm. Besides, it actually feels kind of... nice. Yet, as more rays of sunlight peak out over the mountains ahead, and the anooba howl once more and begin to run, you know it's time to get up.

Your hand hesitates over his for a second, not wanting to end the contact, but you must. In a quiet, regretful voice, you say, "Thanks for warming me up. But the sun's out now. We need to get going."

His arms slowly snake away, and he pushes himself up off the ground. You follow suit and wipe the bits of sand stuck under your butt as you walk towards the ship's entrance to get your packs. You look around longingly at the interior, but you do not want to disappoint. So, without further ado, you grab the packs as well as two canteens of water. In the meantime, Poe pulls out two modified STAPs, or Single Trooper Aerial Platforms. As Poe starts the devices, you pull out two robes that match the color of the sand from your packs.

Your mission is to find intel on a possible First Order base in this sector of the Galaxy. There have been rumors of a device capable of destroying planets being planned. You had heard of one such device in your youth, but you had never seen it in action. To think another might be built terrified you to the bone. Did the First Order have no compassion? Do they not care how many innocent lives are lost until they get the total domination they seek?

You walk with a bit of a spring to your step in attempts to wake your legs which have decided to fail you and go painfully numb. However, the blood slow has affected you too much and you nearly fall.

"Woah, there!" Poe cries as he jumps to catch you. You blush, pulling back quickly as you try to use your STAP to right yourself. You apologize for scaring him, but he good-naturedly shrugs it off. "It's not the first time a person's fallen for me after spending the night together," he tells you with a wink. If you had been blushing before, you were absolutely crimson now!

You stutter out a retort, trying to say that's not, you didn't mean, what?! He chuckles at your reaction, obviously amused by your little outburst. He holds on to your shoulder as he bends down and gives your foot a good shake. You whimper in pain, but try not to say too much. You're embarrassed enough as it is. Sure enough, the shake was the kicker you needed to get your blood flow back to normal.

"There's better ways to get your blood pumping, but this is all we have time for right now," he tells you with a mischievous grin. And just like that, he goes back to being serious and helping you on to your transport device to get on with the mission.

The air is still chilly, even more so with how fast you two are going. But thanks to the robes, you bath remain much warmer than if you had just gone out without them. And as for the STAPs, they remain almost absolutely silent as you zoom your way forward. You're only a couple of yards away from the anooba pack from earlier, but they are going in another direction from where you need to go. And for some reason, they seem to know to avoid you. After nearly three hours, and with the sun fully shining over the two of you, you find yourselves at the entrance of a cavern. You lick your dry, chapped lips nervously as you look into the entrance, then over at Poe. He takes a measured sip from his canteen then motions you over to a small little wedge on the outside. It's angled enough to lean the STAPs against, and with the robes, they're nearly invisible. Next, you take out harnesses from the packs, and you each help each other put them on. The plan is to look like scavengers, here at the cavern to scavenge for minerals and any other precious valuables you may find. Apparently, this caverns is very well organized for that reason. And because of the tip the Resistance received, you knew exactly which route to take to intercept and overhear the plans for this possible new Death Star.

"Are you ready?" Poe asks, empathy shining in his eyes. You think you see worry in his russet brown orbs too, but realize they're only reflecting the worry in your own. "P-peachy," you respond awkwardly. He shakes his head, a small smile to his lips, and pulls you along with a gentle "come on." A few minutes later, you arrive at the first leg of your climb. You two begin to scale the wall before you so as to reach a small alcove leading into another cavern. This process repeats itself a number of times before you two begin to hear the voices you had come to overhear. Soon enough, the words of a surly voice become discernible. He talks about all the benefits of the sector being considered, and mentions how, if they'd like, he can get rid of some of the native life on a nearby planet.

"I'd been meaning to get me's money's worth with them anyhow," he adds as an afterthought. The other voice suddenly chimes in. It sounds muffled and uninterested. His only word? A questioning, "Oh?" Poe takes out a small device and begins tapping a Resistance code onto it, to let them know that the tip was true. You, on the other hand, move closer to hear better. The surly voice goes on a tangent about how the people on the planet the First Order was interested in refused to give up their land for the price he offered. He mocks their desire to stay on their land, and continue with their traditions. He scoffs at the notion that a tradition that's been around who knows how long, and "invented for whatever stupid reason" would be better than the 200000 druggats he was offering them to leave.

"But whatever. It's too late for them now." You slowly inch your way closer, unable to stop as the tension building in the air pulls you forward... Then you see them. A tall male figure with a black vest, wide jiggly body, and violet-red tentacle looking appendages rolls his eyes and laughs darkly. The other figure is tall, and lean. His black robes reach far down his form, and make him unbearably intimidating. You squint as you try to think as to why this description makes you feel like there's something you need to remember. Suddenly, you find yourself without ground to reach forward on, and feel yourself panic as you start to fall forward.

"(Y.N.)!" Poe harshly whispers as he grips your waist and pulls backwards. Your heart pounds in your chest, in part because of the sensation of falling, the sudden pulling, and certain hands on a certain body part. But then again, in part because the masked figure ahead turned so quickly towards you. You quickly shimmy your way backwards, pulling Poe along and whisper that you need to go. They might have seen you, and now you need to hide just in case. You try to remain calm, but you're sure the waves of fear are tangible to anyone around you. Poe and you quietly run along, going down the biggest routes you can find, but making sure not to deviate too much from your path so you can make it to the exit. The sound of a thud resounds loudly behind you, as does the surprised scream that proceeded it. You start to pant for air. Running was not your strong suit. In your mind, you curse whoever thought it would be a good idea to send you on this mission, but then feel guilty as you think about how proud General Organa had looked when you accepted it.

You're smart, resourceful. You can't let some stupid physical attribute to the mission—and one that you brought on yourself at that—stop you from getting back and making sure General Organa was still proud. Then you remember the cavern up ahead; the one you two had accidentally gone into when you were looking for one of the next legs up. You pull Poe into it once you reach the entrance, as you know it has crevices big enough to lean against. It's a stupid plan. A weird plan that makes you feel so embarrassed, and you know you're not going to be able to live it down if anyone finds out, but you have to do it.

You pull of your harness as you push Poe down against the wall, and sit on his lap, facing him. You push your right hand out against the wall, besides his head, and whisper, "I swear there's a reason for this." Poe looks so utterly confused, but his hands seem to have a mind of their own. The moment you sit above him, his hands go to your waist, and grips them tightly. When you reach forward, his right hand goes up and around your shoulder. And the moment you lean down and press your lips against his own, the question about to tumble from his lips turns into a play for power. His tongue pushes into your mouth, making your breath hitch in surprise. You open wider, pulling back slightly, but readjusting yourself so you can go at it with preparation this time. His left hand massages your hip, and starts to knead its way down. All too quickly, his hand cups your right buttock, making you bite down on his lip in both surprise and protest. He chuckle at your reaction. You can hear steps not all that further away, just a few feet from your position. You let go of the wall and run your hands over Poe's chest until you find the buttons, then begin undoing them. The steps are closer now. You pull away and chance a glance over your shoulder, biting your lip in worry that the First Order man coming won't believe the scene before him. In that second, however, Poe's hand slides under your shirt and fondles your breast. Your hips jolt up, and a needy moan leaves your lips. Your face contorts into a mask of pleasure as Poe expertly grazes his fingers over the nub of your breast. You're so new to this, not having much experience in the relationship, much less sexual, department before, considering the chaos in your life.

Your hand reaches forward for support, finding Poe's shoulder instead of the wall as you begin to gasp when he pinches your nipple and tugs. He starts to shift a lot under you. His head nuzzles into your neck, placing soft kisses on you until he reaches your earlobe and whispers, "Don't worry. We're almost done. I'll stop soon."

Lust hazes your thoughts, but before you can ask a confused, "What?" the steps stop much too close for comfort. The tension from before is at full height, though this time it's a different sort of tension. Poe stops his movements, as do you. A quiet whine leaves your lips, then you turn around. The masked man towers over the two of you, snapping you back to reality. You had done this. This was a plan with a mission, and you had a purpose to this. Yet, your disappointment at having to stop still far outweighs your embarrassment.

You compose yourself as quickly as you can to play the part. You jump off of Poe's lap, your hands immediately coming up to your face. You have no need to hide it though if the look of embarrassment is what you're trying to hide. But you must play the part. Poe understands this as well. While he pulls his legs towards himself, one of his hands quickly pulls the sides of his shirt together, and he leans his right elbow over his knees, hiding his face with his hand acting like a visor.

The man before you still has his foot slightly raised, poised as if frozen mid-step. In all likelihood, that probably is the case.

"P-please leave," you stutter out. The embarrassment at what you had chosen to do finally hits you hard. What would Poe think of you now? You had completely let yourself go; you turned into puddy in his arms. Tears begin to pool in your eyes, and your chest hurts painfully so as you try to breath. Still, the man remains frozen.

Your frustration over the situation quickly turns to anger as you stop hiding your face from the man and yell, "Go! This is embarrassing enough as it is without you staring at us like some freak!" Hot, angry tears pour out of your eyes as you yell. He does not seem like a man easily intimidated, but easily shocked? Maybe, considering how fast he leaves at your outburst. He hesitates at the entrance with a slight twitch of his neck, as if he were about to turn for one last look.

Unfortunately, the moment he turns to leave, you're reduced to sobs. The man's steps quicken, while Poe scoots towards you and rubs your back soothingly. After a few minutes, it's clear the man is completely gone. You're in the clear.

"It's ok. He's gone now," Poe tells you. You can hear the worry in his voice. You normally always remain quite stoic, only showing emotion when trying to play a part for someone or something. That's why you're so great with diplomatic missions, and that's why you're usually the one to get information out of people. The First Order may have torture, but the Resistance has you. So, it's no surprise that Poe would be worried, even scared to see you in this state of emotion when the most you ever willingly open up is for General Organa when she gives you some sort of praise.

"Are... Are you ok?" he asks, finally. You sob even more, sinking further into yourself. You shake your head. You just want to disappear, but before you can stop yourself, words escape from within.

"Now what do you think of me?! You must think I'm some floozy, someone who'll let anyone touch me if it benefits me! But I'm not, I swear, I'm not!" You turn to him as you say these words, but keep your eyes trained up towards the ceiling, unable to look at him. He stills in shock, not understanding why you'd think this. But then he's quick to respond, "No, I'd never think that of you. I have the utmost respect for you, and I know you'd never do this unless you had to."

He grabs a hold of your hand, rubbing it, trying to get you to look at him, to make you see the sincerity on his face if you can't hear it in his voice. His plan to make you look at him works, but you still don't believe his words. Still, he has a very soothing touch. One that makes your sobs quiet down slowly, and makes your breathing soon start to go back to normal.

He rubs your tears away with his thumb, cupping your cheek and not letting go. Your eyes dart around, looking anywhere but his face, but continually going back to his hand which still holds yours. "Hey," he starts, leaning down into your line of vision and causing you to be unable to look away.

"I will never think the worst of you, ok. Even if you did something crazy, or reckless, or out of character, I know you're a kind, sweet person. You would have a very good reason to do something you don't consider moral. And on 'being a floozy?' Forget about it! For one, that's not immoral. It's perfectly fine to be in charge of who you're with and of your own body. And for another, I know that you don't even like being close to guys more than necessary. I know the kind of person you are."

Your heart pounds painfully in your chest. The twinkle in his eye as he speaks is bright. It almost looks like a light of love. But you can't let yourself believe that. It's too painful to think he might like you the way you like him, only to find out later that he didn't mean it like that at all. You break the eye contact, though you find yourself squeezing his thumb as much as he reassuringly squeezes your hand.

"I... Thank you," you reply. You dry the last few stray tears escaping from your eyes with the heel of your palm, and then stare down. He pulls you into his chest then, getting comfortable into the wall, and allowing you to get comfortable on his still uncovered chest. Your lack of sleep until this point finally starts to hit you, as does the tiredness from your recent emotional outburst. He just feels so warm, so comfortable. You find that you are not embarrassed to wrap your arm behind his back too. And when he intertwines his fingers with yours, you don't fight him. You nuzzle into his chest, seeing the dark edges of sleep at the edge of your vision as you fight to keep your lids open. And as sleep finally pulls you under, Poe tells you, "Even _if_ you were to hurt me, I think I'll always love you..."


	4. Chapter 4

A sudden gasp for air, and tears on your pillow snap you awake. You try to hold your breath, but you can't. The memory is too clear, the emotion too strong. Why did you have to remember that right now? You reach your hand out, looking for comfort, but there's no one there. You were still half asleep, but not feeling Kylo next to you makes you more alert. You sit up in bed then, pulling the white sheets over your naked form and look around. Kylo's clothes are still on the floor, so he might be in the restroom. While you wait, you let the tears quietly flow, rocking back and forth in place as you try to imagine Poe's hand on your back helping you calm down like he did before. But there's no hand, and all you feel is empty. Hallow. There's something missing, and it's eating you up inside.

You haven't heard any noise besides your crying, but you're done now, and there's still nothing. You get up to investigate, and are surprised to find there's no sign of Kylo anywhere here. You go to your closet and pull out one of your silk black robes. You relish the sensation of the soft material caressing your skin, and even shimmy around in it a bit. It may not be the presence of another person, but the sensation does help some. Now that you think about it, there _is_ something you promised Poe you would do. You slip on a pair of slippers, the kind that will muffle the sound of your steps, and you go out.

The hall is cold and dark, but it is empty. It seems that even the troops got the night off tonight.

 _'Or they have something more important to guard...'_

You look around as you walk, keeping track of the turns and twists you take so you can make it back ok. Getting lost in the middle of the night while essentially naked does not seem like the ideal situation. Though, if anyone _does_ find you like this, you'll explain that you were just looking for Kylo and that you were half-asleep when you went out. You plan this out, letting the tips of your right hand graze the wall to help you keep track of the floor plan. You hold your belly to make sure the robe stays closed, then sneak into a nearby room when you hear chatter for the first time in the past hour. From what you can make out, it seems two troops are just complaining that they didn't get to go to the party, and that they would have loved to be able to taste some of the delicacies being served. You shrug in agreement, remembering just how delicious the fish appetizer had been. As they pass the door you're hiding behind, your stomach growls rather loudly. Your eyes widen in shock, and you become frozen in terror. The men outside stop for a moment, then laugh, saying, "Damn, we must really be hungry. We're making our own stomachs growl!" Once they're out of earshot, you sigh in relief. You pat your hand around in the near pitch black room before you until you find something that feels like a light. After checking under the door, you confirm that there's not more people outside, and open it enough to let you see what's in your hands.

 _'A lightsaber?'_

That can't be right. Only Jedi have these. So why would there be one in the Starkiller Base? You look around one more time, this time though, with a goofy grin that you try to suppress as you push the button that will activate the crystals within. A green ray shoots out of the top, bringing a great source of light-as well as a lot of noise. You quickly shut it off for fear of causing people to come investigate, but before you do, you spot a safe enough flashlight just an arm's reach away from you. Once you have that, you investigate in this small room and find a number of lightsabers. Small tags are attached at the bottom of each of them. When you shine the light on the tags, you see young grinning faces smiling up at you, along with the names besides them. Then you remember something you overheard a couple of years ago.

 _'Can you believe Kylo Ren is related to General Leia?' a young man whispered to the girl besides him. Her eyes widen in shock as she exclaims, "No way!"_

 _He nods, excitement growing in his eyes when he sees that he's got her wrapped around his finger for the duration of the story. You in turn try not to eavesdrop. You really do try not to pay attention, but... You didn't know that. As he tells the girl that she is, in fact, his mother, you wonder how such a wonderful, kind woman could be the mother to such a terrifying, cold-hearted murderer. Then you find out that apparently he got sent away when he was 5. "His own parents were scared of him?" the girl asks when the young man tells her that his parents were more than a little apprehensive around him, knowing that some dark force was whispering in his ear the moment he was old enough to notice._

 _Your heart breaks for the bastard, but that doesn't change the fact that he's a murderer. Does it?_

 _No, it doesn't. He murdered those people, and even if he did hear these horrible, dark voices, he still had a choice in the matter. He could have ignored the voices if he wanted to. The girl apparently agrees as she voices the same concerns. The young man sadly shakes his head. "It looks like that wasn't really the case. I mean, if you had a voice talking to you all the time, telling you what to do, and being the only one there for you when everyone seemed to abandon you, do you really think he'd ever know that that voice_ wasn't _the voice of reason? Do you really think he didn't believe that that voice wasn't actually the_ only _one who really cared about his well-being?"_

 _The girl looks shaken by his words, and she hesitates to nod. You can feel her struggle as you peel a fruit, pretending to eat and pretending not to be listening in on them. You knew none of this. But you can't let this shake you. If anything, you need this to help motivate you. If that's all he's ever known, then he needs to see that he's wrong by seeing the right people in charge._

 _As you finally finish strengthening your resolve, the young man adds one last thing. "I mean, when I found out, that was the only way I could make sense of the fact that a 10 year old would just up and murdered all of his friends to prevent Jedi's from coming back._

He was 10. The children in these pictures could be no older than 11, maybe 12. By no means were they teenagers. And seeing the various lightsabers, it brings a whole new wave of pain. This time, not for yourself, but for Kylo. He cared about them. He loved these people. But he killed them because he was led to believe that it was the right thing to do. And despite that, he kept all of these reminders of them after so many years.

You take measured breaths and dig your nails into the palm of your hand. You can't let this get to you. You went out with a mission, and emotion is not going to stop you from finishing it. With your face set in determination, you walk around and find an electricity panel at the corner of the room. You pull two pins out of your hair, then begin messing with the cables. You don't have much control over how far the message will go, but only the Resistance will be able to understand.

You send out a wave full of taps that come down to the translation "The chick's not a yolk./ The pen is big. Chick will look/ around for some corn." It's not much, but you are pretty much the only one to send messages in haiku format, therefore that's your signature. And as for the message, you let them know you were back, and you would try to find a weak spot to the base, but it's really big. After that, you put everything back just as you found it, including the green lightsaber with the top portion facing the opposite wall, and the button to turn it on at a 20 degree angle from the door. You check once more underneath the door, and verify that there's no one making their way towards you, so you'll be able to make it back with no problems. Sure enough, all is quiet, and no one is around. It feels almost too easy.

When you finally make your way inside of your room, Kylo's in bed. The pale skin of his bare chest is illuminated by moonlight, making you sigh in a daze. The door quietly clicks behind you, and you make sure to lock it just in case. Then you take of your slippers, and consider taking off your robe as well. If you take it off, you can pretend you never went out and maybe try to convince Kylo he was dreaming if he asks you where you were. But that feels wrong. Especially after the knowledge that kicked in tonight. You don't want to be someone else he can't trust. Even if he really _can't_ trust you. But half lies have always gotten you out of a jam before, so you hope it will be no different today as well. You quietly sneak into bed, and stare at Kylo for a few moments. He looks so still, so calm... Too still, really. He's just as rigid as when he's awake, and he keeps his body poised in what will most certainly leave him with numb appendages. You run your fingers through his hair, moving it off of his face and just massaging his scalp in what you hope can be a relaxing way. After a few minutes, you sigh in defeat, then place a barely there kiss on the tips of his fingers. With that, you snuggle into bed, and find yourself nodding off again. Rather easily too. This time however, you dream about a young Kylo crying as a scary voice tells him they're soul mates, and that he must do what He says. Then bodies start to slump around him. All bodies range from 12 to some even as young as 3. And with each body that falls, he cries more but his face becomes that much more stoic. Within his eyes shines a broken figure, the shards of a young boy strewn all over without a chance of repair.


	5. Chapter 5

When your breathing relaxes, then finally slows down into deep breaths of slumber, Kylo snaps his eyes open. You were gone for a long time. What were you doing? What was going through your mind? He reaches one hand forward, lacing his fingers through your tangled locks of hair. He can feel a few stray bobby pins in your hair and smells hints of your orange scented shampoo still lingering around you. His fingers work their way around your scalp, gently pulling at your roots, fighting the urge to wake you and force his way into your mind. Your emotions are so strong.

Why were your so confused earlier? Excited? Happy? Why were you so... Alert? He's terrified to accept it, but he knows you're not _his_ (Y.N.) anymore...

It scares him to think he doesn't have control over the situation. Especially since Supreme Leader Snope made it clear that if he was "going to keep this liability of a pet!" Well, he can't have you messing any of the plans up. It's too important that the First Order finds Luke Skywalker first. They _must_ kill him so that the rebels don't have a chance of really stopping their plans for order.  
And if you wake up, if you mess anything up, he's going to have to kill you himself... He didn't think it would be hard when he first agreed to it, but now? Now, he prefers being in your company and listening to your voice chase all his fears away. Now, you're the one who makes him feel at ease, and can even help control his anger.

Now, he actually knows what it means to smile from happiness rather than to mock.

Killing you won't be hard, but it will hurt.

Kylo stares at your still form. He stares at your hair as he runs his fingers through it. He rubs the back of his hand against your cheek, then cups the other and slowly moves his hand down. He loosens your robe and reaches his hand in. Not to grope you or sexually assault you. Only to feel your warmth and memorize all the things about you he can while you're still the same.

While you're still the girl he knows.

While you're still the one who loves that stupid pilot...

While his hand comes back up, he accidentally grazes your nipple. You exhale rather deeply then, and begin to turn over.

"Wha'ryuh doin?" You ask with a sleepy slur. He pulls the blanket higher over your form and replies, "Nothing, nothing. Go back to sleep, dove."

You grab his hand and pull it under your cheek, nuzzling into it as you drowsily reply, "Alite. Goslee too, Poe."

Kylo stiffens, waiting for you to catch your mistake and drop the act, but you only kiss his palm and sink back into slumber faster than a rock sinking in water. Your words rattle Kylo, but this isn't the first time you call Poe in your sleep. It's just the first time you're not sleep talking when you do it...

He chews harshly on the inside of his cheek, only stopping when he tastes the metallic hint of blood on his tongue. He doesn't know what to do. He knows he should eliminate you right then and there. There's no more information to extract from you. You don't help at the base, except as a pawn during social events. There's no use for you!

But, if he's being honest, he's being selfish. He wants you. He wants to keep you. He wants to protect you, to love you.

He wants you, despite what Snope says is best for him. He wants you, and he refuses to lose you. He wraps his around possessively around your body, and squeezes you to his chest. He knows you're completely asleep, so he wills his words to make it to your subconscious.

"(Y.N.) (L.N.), you're mine. Do you hear that? You are _mine_ , and I'm not losing you."


	6. Chapter 6

When you awake the next morning, Kylo is nowhere to be found. All you see is a neatly written note on the side of the bed saying,

"Urgent mission.

Be back by nightfall."

It's short, and to the point, much like conversations with him. But it tells you what you need to know, and tells you not to worry. The mission will only be a day long after all. Kylo has gone on much longer missions before, and usually those leave him with a few bruises here and there. So, you know, the shorter it is, the less dangerous. But no less important to the First Order's cause.

You sigh as you stare ahead, thinking of what you should do for the day. Normally, Kylo is with you, and you follow along. He'll ask a random question about a planet or other, like, "Do you know if this planet is populated?" or "What weaknesses do you think a base here probably have?"

It always made you feel important, to have Kylo ask you your opinion, and let you have a say in such significant expansion matters. But now that you're aware, it hits you that... Those were all planets connected to the Rebellion...

Those were all planets and systems with your allies!

Tears begin to well in your eyes as you try to remember your responses. The only one you remember clearly though is Yavin 4.

 _"Do you think we could have any enemies hiding out on this moon?" Kylo asks, hands around his back, and his head facing the holographic display orbiting slowly above your heads._

 _Something inside tells you yes. In fact, it screams, "Of course, you idiot!"_

 _But... As your face stays calm and natural, you reply with the response, "On_ that _tourist trap? Not a chance."_

 _In your mind's eye, you see yourself zooming in, falling through the jungle, rushing past the lush growth. Then you see a tree. You feel a hand in yours, and start to turn. But just like when you have a heavy waive of déja vu right as you're about to remember what happens next, you lose the image. Now you're only seeing the display turn off, and the regular lights turn on. With a blink, the scene rushing through your head disappears, and then you turn towards Kylo._

 _"Why? Are you planning our vacation there?" you tease._

 _He gives you one of his rare, hesitant smiles, and responds, "Maybe. I might be considering it."_

Now, you're stuck on that tree. Why did that tree feel so significant? Why did you feel so at home? That wasn't where you grew up, nor do you recall being there long. You go to the bathroom and let the robe slide of your body slowly as you think this over.

You may remember who you really are again, but the memories overall are still jumbled. You have the general image, but it looks hazy. You can't see the fine details. You turn the water on as your chest starts to constrict. Despite the freezing water pouring out, you step into the tub and sit under the spray.

You feel so disconnected, so lost. Nothing feels real, but everything still feels like too much. You have an overload of things telling you this isn't real, that what you know _isn't_ what it is. You need something to ground you, and the only thing you can think to help you change that is the pain of cold pinpricks all over your body.

You cry from the sensation, but it does the job. If this were a dream, or not real, you wouldn't feel the sting. You would just feel a soft sensation as your brain conjured up the feeling of what a shower is supposed to feel like.

After a few minutes of letting yourself soak, and having the pain hit you all over, you begin to scrub your body raw. You need the abrasive sponge. It reminds you of all the sand from when your mother took you to spend a few months on your paternal grandfather's home planet. He was close to passing, and she wanted you to get to meet him at least once.

He was a reserved old man. He kept to himself for the most part, just watching you from afar as you played in his front yard, and he didn't say much. But he hugged you tightly whenever you gave him the chance, and would say that he cared for you greatly.

Your own father was never in the picture, but you liked to image that he was like this strange, mustache'd old man that you came to grow fond of in those few months you knew him.

Next you get a glob of some of the special hair cleanser Kylo uses. Your raven haired prince of moodiness may play the part of apathetic adiaphoron, but in reality, he puts a lot of effort into looking as calm and perfect as he always does. Even more so now that he actually takes his mask off in public these days. As you massage the gooey substance into your scalp, you're reminded of your old night time rituals with your aunt before she left. She used to rub fragrant oils and other substances into your hair, then wrap a thick towel around it all. She was a naturalist as well as a spiritualist. She knew exactly what to put into your hair to strengthen and reinvigorate it, plus she also said she knew what exactly she needed to help you be able to be more in sync with the force. She said that certain plants and that the extracts from certain animal skins would not only make you be able to feel the force more clearly, but also make you be able to manipulate it yourself like the Jedi's of her youth. Her strong fingers would always toss your hair this way and that. Her tight grip would knock your head around. But, always by the end, when she would use the course edge of the towel to wipe at your hairline and then the soft portion to wipe your exposed skin, you would always find yourself nodding off, and barely keeping your eyes open.

Your neck would always crick, like it's beginning to do now, and your body would start to sway. Right now, you do kind of feel dizzy. But in a good way. And the smell of the cleanser reminds you of her special concoction.

The parallels of your youth and your experience right now helps you feel more certain. These aren't things Kylo could've changed or recreated. Your youth is something you don't like touching on with others. You never even liked talking about it with Poe, so there would be no reason to share with anyone about it here.

You sigh, feeling more at ease thanks to all the grounding sensations. You cup your hands, and then splash the water onto your face now that you've finished washing up, then turn off the water. Though you feel better, you can't help but continue paying attention to the sensations. It doesn't surprise you, but at the same time, you are startled by how hot the room feels. Normally after a shower, the room is warm and starts to get cold quickly. Right now, however, the room feels super hot, and you can't help but feel the need to turn the cold water on again to help keep you cool.

You wipe down the trails of residual water and the growing beads of sweat off your body, and towel yourself dry. When you leave the bathroom, you drop the towel at the foot of the bed then look through your clothes. You make sure to feel and examine every article of clothing. There is a number of luxurious items within, but you eventually settle on a plain black top, tight yet comfortable bottoms, a light brown sweater, and a pair of soft flats that don't make much noise.

You can't do much at the moment; Kylo isn't here after all. But you aren't a prisoner. At least not anymore. And right now, your stomach is telling you your non-prisoner ass needs to get some nourishment.

When you step out of the room, you walk in the middle of the hall. Your back is straight, your head is high, and you visibly take in everything like it's the first time. But the moment troops or any other First Order members come along, you move to the side, cross your left arm over your stomach, and run your fingertips along the wall as you walk. You nod curtly, a small smile on your face as you greet your current peers, but keep to yourself. You listen to everything they say, keeping your ears ready for any possible information you can pass along, but everything seems quiet.

When you arrive at the mess hall, a few people turn your way, but you're dismissed by most everyone in the room. It's clear that you're just an arm warmer for Kylo in their eyes.

 _'Fine. It's not like I care anyway. Helps me get information easier if they don't see me as a threat anyhow.'_

You grab a bowl of porridge off of the conveyer belt at the front of the room, as well a large banana and a glass of enhanced water. A few people give you questioning looks, and begin to eyeball you. For the first time since stepping out this morning, you begin to feel self-conscious-and not because you might look bad. No, you feel self-conscious because as you look down and look back, you realize that you normally dress up. Silk dresses, plunging necklines, perfectly coiled hair, and immaculate makeup. Not only that, Kylo always keeps you pampered and well fed. No such thing as simple fruit and bland meals.

 _"Only the best for my princess," he always says._

But you are entitled to a lazy day, and a bland day. Fuck anyone who might say otherwise. However, the main person who would be quick to tell you so, well, you two already did that last night.

You suck on the inside of your cheek, steeling your spine against any judgment, and head towards an empty section in the corner. On your way over however, you notice a lone Storm Trooper. His dark skin contrasts immediately with the bright white of his suit, but it's his melancholic gaze that entrances you. Before you know it, you find yourself walking over towards him, and sitting a few spaces away. The people closest to you quickly get up and leave, making the gap around him that much bigger. You understand why they would leave in your presence, but cannot possibly imagine why they would isolate one of their own like this.

After quick peeks his way, it breaks your heart to see the burden of isolation weigh so heavily on him.

"Hello," you simper. Your face remains neutral, and your eyes stay trained on the food before you. But from the corner of your eye, you can see his bewildered looks as he tries to figure out if you're speaking to him or someone else. Following a short hesitation, he replies in like manner.

"Good morning."

You smile gently, not wanting to seem too forward. You give a quick glance his way as you reach for your spoon. He keeps looking you over and looking around; it's almost as if he thinks someone's going to jump out at him and say he was being pranked. That no one would actually want to talk to him to him. Your bottom lip juts out lightly, but you do what you can to control your emotions. Instead you take a deep breath and move your hair to the side as you lightly turn towards him. You're facing your food still, but it's clear if he pays attention your way, your question will be aimed at him.

"So, why so lonely this morning? Are your team members busy finishing training right now?"

Storm troopers always move as a squad. These groups are brought together, and indoctrinated together. They're supposed to work together to be the best assets for the First Order, but this group seems to not be working as cohesively.

"Captain Phasma sent me out," he replies quietly. Under his breath, you can hear him mumble, "I was just getting in the way anyway..."

Your heart breaks at the utter defeat, the resigned complacency. You can hear the underlying thought: _'No one wants me...'_

You move your spoon around in your food as you think over what you can do to help. Obviously he's not busy at the moment. And he seems very nice. Nothing like the other troops you've had to closely interact with before. This one actually seems to see you as a person first, and who knows what else underneath. But right now he needs someone to help him shake off that melancholy.

"You mind getting in _my_ way this morning then?"

He knits his brows in confusion before you elaborate: "You might not know, but I'm Kylo Ren's fiancé. I normally try to help him in whatever way I can, but recently I haven't been able to do much... Kylo's on a mission right now. Do you mind helping me train today since people seem to think I'm more of a bother than anything else?"

His face brightens at the request, and he's quick to answer with a determined yes.

"It would be my pleasure!" he exclaims with a grin.

 _'He's very animated.. Poe would like him.'_


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Ok, dudes, so I've been working on this chapter for foooooooooorever. I'd been stuck on where to go next after around the first third of what we have now.

All I have to say is...bless Adam Driver and whoever was in charge of filming for TLJ because damn. I already knew Adam Driver was freaking gorgeous. But I'm so glad we finally got to see him live up to his claim that Kylo Ren is shredded.  
Thank that blessed shirtless scene for the direction this chapter went. By the way, lemon warning y'all. Enjoy~!

* * *

Almost two weeks have has passed since you met FN-2187. You don't call him that though. It's too cold, and he seems to have too much coldness in his life already. Instead, when you meet for your daily training lessons now, you always great him with a "hey hun!" or a "My man, 87." You both laugh when you say the latter, but it's good to see him slowly get more comfortable with the idea of being needed. He doesn't talk much about his squad, or the program in general, but you've heard enough. As you skulk around, trying to find information with the pretext that you're looking for your trainer, you've learned a lot about this poor soul.

During your training lessons, he's always very patient. You did pretend to be at a lower skill level than you really were so he wouldn't ask what you knew, or how you learned. You didn't have an answer you could honestly respond. So you let him assess you as a beginner, and worked with him to improve your basics. He constantly commented on how quick you picked things up, and became rather bashful every time since compliments are still something that make you awkward. Especially from someone like him.

It's been a while since you've been real. You constantly have to play a part: with the commanders, around storm troopers, for the media. And this is even truer especially around Kylo. Even before Poe made you remember, you still had to keep your cool, and you still played the role he needed depending on what was happening in his life. Kylo had it rough; only Snope really seemed to give him any comfort, but you could tell it was a manipulative comfort.

 _I want you. I need you. I can take care of you, unlike your parents..._

Snope tried to undermine you so many times, but you always did what you could. Because you loved Kylo. You wanted him. You needed him... And you didn't realize how true this was until two nightfall's passed after his departure, and he still wasn't back.

At first, you told yourself this was just your feelings for Poe, and how this is what you would feel like with Poe being gone like this. This is the worry his loss would cause you. But as you thought of Poe to keep you strong, you couldn't help feel a pang of pain when you would walk down the halls, and realize you didn't have his arm looped around yours when you reached up to hold it. You couldn't help the sting as you woke up in the middle of the night and found his side still cold.

You couldn't talk to anyone about this because they would look down on you. But then, FN noticed. During training, he stopped after your kicks had gotten a bit sloppy, and you fell. You were so embarrassed, you just stayed down a bit. And he laid down next to you.

"I know it's been a while. I'm sure he's fine though. There's no one Supreme Leader Snope trusts more than General Hux and your fiancé."

You turned towards him with such surprise, your hair accidentally slapped him in the face. With an exclamation of "oh my gosh" and a quick sitting up, sincere apologies and deep thanks tumbled from your lips as tears streamed down your cheeks. FN let you hug him, but only returned the embrace when you finally calmed down and started to pull away. He patted you hesitantly on the shoulder, then offered you a hand up after standing himself.

Now, you wack your bamboo insistently, consistently, against FN's own.

"Good attack, but work on your defense. What if you don't have the upper hand? How do you handle being played, and manipulated?"

You falter, sudden thoughts of Kylo and his situation clouding you. He didn't choose to be used. He didn't want to be force sensitive. He didn't choose to have his father leave him, or his mother be forced to focus on her career.

Luke was supposed to care for him. Han should have been able to support him. Leia couldn't help him. A fire burns within you at these thoughts. FN's attacks hit you, burn into your side. He lands a smack against your arm, a whack into your gut, a swipe to your legs. How could Kylo go through this? How could anyone expect him to say no? How could you leave him?

How could he leave you...?

FN aims for another hit at your shoulder but you block his aim. He takes a turn to the right and pushes his weapon backwards towards your thigh but you take your own step backwards and turn his weapon against him. You push up and do a sudden backwards foot swipe as far as you can, making FN fall into his elbows. He is quick to recuperate and knock your locked elbow out of position. You recoil from the pain, but remember, defend.

 _How would you like being manipulated?_

You throw your arm back, letting it go slack so the pain can pass through you and catch as he tries to twist the bamboo down towards your leg. You jump in time and end with your back against his. You both jump away, muscles and eyes quickly assessing the situation. Right as you are about to aim a hit on his wrist—not hard enough to sprain, but enough to make him loose his grip—FN suddenly goes flying away from you.

"F!" you call, muscles tightening from the unexpected attack even if it wasn't aimed at you. You freeze, watching as he crashes against the training pads in the corner. Your breath catches in your chest, and your immediate thought is that Snope finally had enough and is here to kill you himself. But when you turn, fear making your breath hitch and your fingers shake, it's not the decrepit wisp of a figure who tried to destroy the innocence of a lost young boy you see. It's the shaken, loving figure of the man who trusts you despite your flaws, despite the vulnerability you free in him. You drop your stick and rush towards Kylo.

His mask hides his face, and the fear at the scene before him.

 _'He tried to kill her while I was gone! That's why he sent me away!'_

But it's visible in his tightened shoulders. It's visible in the hands that shake in fury. But it's also visible in the restraint he puts on himself as he tries to avoid hurting. It's visible in the restraint he keeps to avoid making you see the harm he so gladly wishes to put on anyone who dares hurt you.

You jump onto his chest, legs wrapping around his waist and arms around his neck as you yell "you're back!"

You bury your face into his neck, enjoying the welcoming scent that belongs to only your beloved Kylo. The scent of musk and sweat and dust. The smell of his unwashed, mission worn body. There's bits of pine still on his clothes, and the smell of salty water form a white stain on his shoulder. Most planets in the quadrants he's likely to travel to have very particular mono-climates. Was Kylo tracking someone? Or did he go to a region on the outer belts?

You squeeze him harder, eyebrows knitting together with worry and confusion, when you then hear FN moan and start to get up. You inhale deeply. Bile comes up at the back of your throat. FN was only helping you. He was the only one who didn't let your social stigma taint how he saw you...

Before Kylo can try to do anything else to your dear friend, you get off and punch his shoulder. His arm flinches more than it should you notice, but you get his attention. A punching bag hangs in the air as Kylo stares at you behind his mask in surprise.

"Don't hurt my friend. He's been teaching me how to defend myself," you protest.

Without another word, you run to FN and help him up. His hand wraps around to his back but you can see that he's just sore. He had been training you hard, and you had pushed him as much as he pushed you.

You thank the stars above he landed in the mats instead of against a wall or even the weights on the other side of the training room as you help walk him up and out to the locker room doors.

"Take a warm shower, or bath if you can," you tell him. He nods, a small smile pulling the side of his lip up.

"Don't worry, mother hen. I've been through worse during my trainings," he reminds you. The smile you had been trying to keep for him falters as you realize what he means. His squad never took it easy on him. They ganged up on him, and Phasma let it happen because war is not fair. The world is not fair. If her troops fail to handle the controlled albeit cruel environments of her facilities, then they have no place jeopardizing her missions in the field. She told you so herself when she came to warn you against spending so much time with him two days after he started training you.

 _"His peers already distrust him for his emotions. Your presence only serves as a further marker to isolate him. I will not have it."_

Her clipped tone still rings sharp in your ears as the memory plays out. Still, FN was alone. He was in need. Protection was the least of his worries here. Companionship was a much more pressing need.

In your heart you know one day you would get him out. Soon. Eventually. And when you do, you know just who will be able to help him break from the shell so thinly lain. His walls remind you of yours. His distance too. It's only from lots of digging, and careful probing FN has opened up to you as much as he has in the past two weeks. But there's still so much more you know he's hiding. There's still so much more he's holding in.

"Ok, I can handle it from here," FN tells you as he pushes the door open and gently squeezes your shoulder in thanks.

In turn, you call out, "see you tomorrow again then! Thank you!"

When you make your way back to Kylo, he's sitting on the floor with his head between his slightly spread legs. He looks up at you and instantly you hear the door lock behind you as he jumps up and has his mask come swiftly off. His bottom lip trembles as he closes the distance between your mouth and his. His tall frame needs to bend at the knee just so his head can be close to yours, yet you still face up and lift as high as you can. You make contact. His hands wrap tightly around your waist and your fingers comb up and though the back of his currently matted hair.

He hugs you tightly, grounding you, pressing you against his body almost as if to make sure you really are real.

"I missed you so much."

"Forget missing. You don't know how much I needed you, _need_ you..."

The intense gaze you two share calms you both. You can almost feel your heart slowing down with his as you finally confirm that he's ok. He's home, he's alive. He's safe. You missed him so much. But more than that, there's more you need to know. He was only supposed to be gone a few hours. How did a few hours turn to days?

He leans down to touch your forehead with his. His eyes are closed as his gloved hands on the small of your back start to pull your white workout shirt up. His gloves are smooth, but you can feel some grit on them. You don't care though. You let one hand stay tangled in his hair while the other goes down to his chest. You want to touch his skin, not the stupid leather that's in the way now. He seems to have the same idea. Still, without his helmet he feels too vulnerable. You know this, so you don't push it. He surprises you then when he takes off his cape. It's not much, but it's something.

"I need you," he breaths out when his hand bunches your shirt tight. He pulls back enough to look you right in the eye. "Please... please, can you help me?"

His eyes look at you with such pain, such worry. His lip trembles as he puts words to his request and you know what that means. You smile at him and step back enough for his arms to move as you nod.

"Yes, of course I'll help you."

Without another word, he pulls your shirt up and you raise your hands and bend away to help him take it off. You get timid then when you realize how sweaty you are. You hope you don't smell too badly, but let him continue. He says nothing as he gets down on one knee and pulls your tight pants down, leaving you barely covered in only underwear and a tightly bound cloth over your breasts. His hand goes to your waist and the other ghosts over your chest.

"Did you get hurt?" he asks. His curious hand rests on your tummy as he waits for your response, and the other holds on to the back of your knee. You shake your head and remind him about how breasts work.

"They're bags of fat that aren't completely held down in place. You know how you love watching me when I'm on top of you because of how they move? Well, love, they hurt when I'm trying to fight and they move all over the place."

He bows his head down while a chuckle shakes his shoulders. With relief he kisses you right above your belly button, his hands moving to hug right below your bum, then he rests his cheek where he kissed.

"Kylo, what do you need? What can I do to make you feel better?" You ask, bending at your knees to get closer. You hold his shoulders and he sits all the way back now, completely at ease as long as you're with him. He just shakes his head and tells you that he just wants to feel you close to him so you scoot yourself further up along his lap, your pelvis right over his, and hug him to your chest as you play with his hair.

"You sweet child... What happened to you this time?" You ask painfully, not realizing you said your words aloud. How can he tell you he almost found his uncle, but he felt something telling him not to go forward? He felt something telling him to turn, and in that split second indecision, the lead he was tracking realized they were being followed and managed to get away. You'll be so disappointed, he's sure. You still don't remember everything, he tells himself. You still hold the same beliefs as him, his mind begs. But do you, he wonders? Do you really? It's been so long since he's seen you, and he wasn't sure who you were anymore when he left.

The First Order newest minion, or the Rebellion's best agent?

First Order propaganda or secret rebel spy?

He doesn't know who is better: a person who thinks he's someone else, or a person only pretending to care.

Whoever you are though, he hates how much you make him feel. He hates how much you affect him. He hates how much he loves you.

...But he wouldn't have it any other way.

He breathes deeply, inhaling your scent then slides his hands over your bum and hooks his thumbs into your underwear band. He looks up at you and asks if it's ok. You know what he means so you nod in approval and slowly get up while he slides your underwear down. He gets up on one knee and with one hand on your back, and the other behind your knee, he gently eases you on your back. You grab your discarded clothes and roll it up in a ball, which he quickly makes sure is behind you so you're comfortable. He climbs atop of you and kisses you deeply. You can taste his saliva very distinctly. As he kisses down your neck, you feel the stubble growing since his last shave. He still nuzzles into your chest despite not being able to pleasure you comfortably through the wrap; you're both fine with it. The act is still very comforting. And he kisses all over your belly. You have some pudge. You're definitely no skinny weeny model, and you're less than six pack ready despite your training. You're good enough to survive if necessary, not good enough to kick ass and take names at a moment's whim. But that makes no difference. You're beautiful on the inside, and the out.

Then he crawls back a step further, kissing your hips, your pelvis, your legs, your thighs. You start to swallow nervously, the tension and the teasing making your breath a little harder. Your senses get more excited and so though you can't stop staring at him and the gentle way he explores you all over again, you can't stop turning to the door and looking around the room.

Will someone come?

Are there cameras anywhere?

Will you be caught?

You never really considered yourself much of a voyeur, but the possibility that someone might walk in on you now adds more pleasure to your excitement than you would have thought possible. Or maybe it's more that the pleasure comes from knowing Kylo cares less now about people thinking him vulnerable because of you. He lifts your leg onto his shoulder, causing you to lean on your elbow, then his mouth makes direct contact with your labia. You bite on to your lip, your breath quickening as his jaw quickly starts to make work of your cunt. His eyes flutter closed as he tastes you, his tongue working his way through your folds and his hands pull you closer to his mouth. When he starts to suck on your clit, it takes all you have not to scream out the pleasure, but you groan and moan with every suck and flick of his tongue.

You squeeze your hand tightly into a fist and bite hard on the flesh under the knuckle. You can feel your climax building, you know you're at the edge. Funnily enough, you realize this might be the first time Kylo pleasures you like this because you don't remember coming this quick ever in your sexual experience. Briefly, he moves his tongue out from your entrance causing you to let out a whine in displeasure, but in earnest he pleads you to not be quiet.

"You don't have to scream, but please... You don't have to hold everything into your hand." After a pause he adds, "You can trust me."

At that, you gasp in understanding and throw yourself forward while pulling him up. "Kriff, Kylo!" You exclaim as you close the distance between your mouths. His tongue tastes salty; you can feel your wetness still on his mouth.

When you pull away, your heart sputtering like a broken down rust bucket, you tell him, "Take me, Kylo. I need you."

His eyes glisten with emotion, and he nods, immediately jumping back to where he left off. Soon, his name because a chant as you moan out and say over and over, "Kylo, oh stars! Kylo, keep doing that. Kriff, yes! That's so good. Kylo, Kylo, oh, Kylo."

With every drop of his name, he becomes more emblazoned. His tongue moves faster, deeper, to just the right places. Soon, you're trying desperately not to squeeze your thighs too tightly around his head, though you can't help as you pull on his hair. Your hips buck out of control into his mouth, and then finally, you let out one last, long, "Kylo!" and you come hard.

Wetness slicks down to your anus and all over thighs. But more notably, as Kylo leans back to look at his handiwork, you can't help giggle as you see some dripping down his chin. He looks so proud, then looks back up at you.

"So that was good?" he asks. A slightly smug smirk hides just beneath his nerves, but you let it. You get up and lean forward on your knees. Taking deep breaths while you hold on to his shoulders, you consider your words wisely.

"If I say no," you start. You can feel his shoulders stiffen, and his chest seems to almost deflate. Then you continue: "will you try again later in our room?"

You look up at his mischievously, and see him grin. Then quickly, he follows your playful mood and straightens up. He rolls his eyes while gripping your hips then says, "Try again later? Of course not! As I've heard before, 'Do, or do not. There is no try.'"

You chuckle at his words. Then he pulls your hips forward, positioning you so your chest-to-chest as he hugs you tightly before he speaks again. "And with you, I never try. I only do. Just like how I love you."

You wrap your arms around him, and then look up to meet his gaze. It breaks your heart that he loves you so fully, so completely. Despite everything, he really has given himself completely to you. And you're still holding back. You still wonder, _could this have worked in another life?_ Can _this work now?_

Then you remember Poe. And immediately you sigh solemnly into Kylo's chest. You let yourself fall further down, out of his direct line of eye sight with yours, and shake your head of thoughts of him. You feel so guilty at your situation, but you can't help meaning the truth in your words when you reply "I love you too."

Kylo's hold on you tightens, then it tightens more when the door starts to rattle and you hear on the other side people start to yell.

"What in the blazes? Laserbrains! Which moof-milker locked the door?"

"FN-2187 was in here last with that harpy, Ren's woman."

"They're such a pair of wastoids. Why do Phasma and Hux even allow such scum to continue living here?"

"You're right. If I were in charge, I'd have spaced them ages ago."

"Should we just blast the door, or find out who has the keys?"

During their whole conversation, you see Kylo's face start to shift. His lip curls back into a snarl, and his eyes look like they're ready to murder. His jaw tightens, and his breathes deepens as if he's getting ready to yell. The words of those stormies do hurt, but you know they don't matter in the long run. And Kylo's actions, his mental health, those do. You reach one hand up and cup his cheek from beneath his protective hold on you, and shake your head.

 _They're not worth it_ , you mouth.

His breathing is getting faster, but then he leans into your hand and starts to purposely count his breaths and get under control. When he calms down, you reach your other hand up and repress a laugh as you swipe your finger over his chin.

 _You're still wet by the way._

He looks down at you then and you follow suit. With sudden panic, you realize you're still naked, but that's luckily when the gang outside decides they'd rather not be on Phasma's bad side and so they go look for a key instead. Kylo tosses his cape towards you so you can cover up while he un-bunches your clothes to help you put it back on. You snuggle into the cloth despite its roughness, and enjoy the feeling of being wrapped up in him while you look on him tenderly.

"Kylo, I love you," you tell him while he helps hold you steady as you put your legs into the underwear he holds ready for you. He exhales in exasperation, but you see that bashful way he averts his eyes.

"We just had this conversation," he reminds you, but you shake your head and tell him you just want him to understand. You love him. He lets you put your shirt back on as he fixes his cape back on himself, and then puts his mask in place.

As he force opens the door, and makes sure there's no one on your way, he tells you, "Don't get too comfortable in those clothes. When we get back in the room, we've got some not-trying to continue with."

* * *

End note: So... What'd y'all think? I know this wait was ridiculous, but was it worth it?

Tell me your thoughts, your feelings. It helps me get more out!

By the way, I used some Star Wars canon slang. If y'all were confused, or want to see more interesting stuff, you can find the link to to the list on my tumblr if you search the tag "Star Wars slang." Be sure that I'll definitely be using "Having kittens...by the litter" soon, because oh boy! I'm always having kittens by the litter!  
(｡￫ˇ艸￩)


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